Sitting with Past Ghosts and Future Dreams

Medium:
Oil Paint, House Paint, Acrylic, and Gold on canvas
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Dimensions:
48" x 48" x 1.5"
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Artwork for Sale:
Yes
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Year Completed:
2023
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Description:
This piece is a reflection of a memory from when I was trapped in another country during the first month of the pandemic. In the fall of 2019, I went to France to start a job I had been looking forward to for over a year. Within the first month of being in France my partner of 5 and a half years broke up our relationship and thus I faced a large amount of unexpected solitude on top of adjusting to moving out of my home country and being away from my support system. The breakup was extremely hard and my mental health was struggling...when my friends came to visit me in March of 2020, they didn't find the girl they once knew, but instead an anxious, overwhelmed shell of a girl. That very same week, the country of France went into lockdown and suddenly my support system (both my friends visiting from America and the friends I had made while in France) were gone once again.
French lockdown was very different than what people experienced in the States. We almost immediately had to print out papers to use in order to go outside, we had to check boxes on our papers to say if we were going to the doctors/our job (this you also had to have a signed letter from your boss saying this was true)/to the pharmacy or to the grocery store...we couldn't be outside for more than an hour a day or we could be fined 250 euros. Sometimes I would see police scanning the streets near my building--checking on people's papers. I avoided my roommate as she was trying to be around as many people as she could and would break the rules of having people over which added to my anxiety as a foreigner in someone else's country. If we got caught it didn't necessarily mean we just would get a fine...we could've been kicked out of the country. So I isolated myself from the only other humans that were in my physical life. I was worried I would get this unknown illness that was killing people by the thousands everyday in France, I was worried for my neighbors in my apartment building (one lady in particular who was fighting cancer at the time) would get the virus, I was worried I would run out of money as I no longer had a job in this country, I was worried I would never be able to return home, I was worried that the only solution would be to return home, I was worried that this virus would get my grandma, I was worried because my sister had lost her mind and ended up in a psych ward, I was worried that I should've been omitted to a psych ward months before. On top of all this, my ex added additional stress by telling me he was having someone move into our apartment (back in the States) while I was in another country in lock down, unable to coordinate removing all of my things from my old apartment, but demanding I do so immediately...to say I lost my mind would be an understatement.
I remember one day, sitting at my kitchen table--unable to eat like most of the days I was there--trying to force myself to eat, and thinking I had to change my mindset or my rock bottom would be never ending. In all honesty, most days I couldn't tell if I was alive or dead--my anxiety and depression had fully taken over my life. I remember looking back and reflecting on all the times in my life where I thought I had hit rock bottom...when I had gone through breakups, when I had been sexually assaulted, when I had arguments with loved ones, when I tried or idealized killing myself, over and over all the bad things...and I remember just thinking I should embrace that girl. I should hug her because she got through it and I will get through this. I started to imagine what it would be like if I had every version of myself sitting at this lonely table with me. All the good and bad versions...all the happy and sad times...what would I say to those versions of me? What would I do for that girl?
...I would do anything. Anything and everything to help that girl out. I would hold her, let her cry, let her vent, let her share her joy, let her show me what brings her peace, I would embrace her. I did embrace her. I realized I always have embraced her and gotten her through the toughest of times. I have always survived the toughest of days, every single time...even when it was hard. And I thought about this, the vision got stronger...and all of a sudden I was no longer just a shell, but a full grown and growing person. Someone I could and have relied on. Someone who was there for me. And I leaned into that power, into the softness, the calm, and into my own self love and I embraced it and let it give me strength to carry on.
Then something amazing happened...I started to think about what my future looked like. I started to imagine this smart, business savvy, wiser, creative woman who was there. She reached out her hand...and she embraced me as I embraced my past lives and past selves. And in this moment, in this vision, I knew I would make it through--even this rock bottom.